Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
