I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
did i walk over a car last night?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
