he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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