Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
