My hand turned me down
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
