don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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