walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
