This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
