Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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