Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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