No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
