Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there's paper in my vomit.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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