I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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