The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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