We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
