I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
That reminds me...we need to get swords
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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