Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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