Apparently you make a good broom.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
