she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize