i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
