I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
