maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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