I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
