and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
