Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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