I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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