Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize