just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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