4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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