Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize