She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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