Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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