I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
