We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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