false alarm. still invincible.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
