swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize