I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
