I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
