mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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