Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
