bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
