i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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