Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
