can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
