My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
