its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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