so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
