Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
