i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my shit smells like andre
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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