I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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