I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
