There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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