I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
