I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
