dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
