I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Pants are for mortals
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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