I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
