Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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