no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
