Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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