Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
