Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize