A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
