he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize