i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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