If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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