Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
