My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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